Deciding to get divorced is a big decision, and can be harder when there are kids involved. Your kids will likely have lots of questions, and may be inclined to blame themselves for the divorce. In this blog post, I’m offering some tips on things to say or not say to your kids.
Things to Say to Your Kids
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Do plan out how you will tell your kids about the divorce in advance. You may find it helpful to talk to a counselor about how to break the news to the kids. There are also books that can help explain divorce to your children in an age- appropriate way.
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If possible, try to have the conversation with your spouse.
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When having the discussion, sit the children down in a safe space. Gently explain the situation without going into too many details.
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Do keep in mind the age of your children.
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Listen to your children and do your best to answer their questions.
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Do remind your children that you love them, and that just because their parents will be living in separate houses doesn’t mean you won’t love them.
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Explain to your children anything that will stay the same. For example, if they will stay in the same house or keep going to the same school.
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Do encourage your children to have a good time with the other parent. There are situations where this may not be appropriate (such as when abuse is occurring). However, in most situations, children need to be encouraged to have a relationship with both parents.
What Not to Say:
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Do not give your children details on why you’re getting divorced. If your children are older, they may have picked up on things, but be very careful at giving them too many details about why the marriage isn’t sustainable.
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Blaming or talking negatively about your spouse. This can be especially tricky in situations where abuse or substance use are the reasons for the divorce. In those circumstances, it may be helpful to meet with a counselor in advance to discuss how to answer your children’s questions.
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Do not get angry at your child for feeling angry, overwhelmed, or sad.
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Do not use your children to get information about your spouse. Kids will often tell a parent what they think the parent wants to hear, so the information is not always accurate. Additionally, it places stress on your children, and can make them feel like they are caught in the middle.
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Do not compare your child to your spouse in a negative way.
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Your child should not be your only source of entertainment. Although it’s hard, use the time away from your kids to grow friendships, take up a hobby you enjoy, or engage in some self-care.
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Don’t make blanket statements such as “men cheat” or “women are mean.”
Recognize that the conversation with your kids will probably not be a “one and done” situation. They will need time to adjust to their new normal, and may continue to have questions. I recommend that my clients seek out counseling for their kids, which can help them process their emotions in a safe space. It can also provide additional support for you as you navigate these conversations.
